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Tue, Jun. 6th, 2006, 12:08 am

i posted in my normal LJ the other day, but i forgot that it might be good for me to post over here.
so, i was off my meds for a while. the original plan this last go round of evil depression in february was to go on the xyprexa and zoloft for 6-8 weeks. i got the vertigo inner ear problem and tongue thrust from the zyprexa so we stopped that. i was still on the zoloft for 6 weeks or so. and i remain on the ativan nightly.
anyhow, since april-mayish, probably right around when i stopped the zoloft i have been having really terrible anger issues.
i always have had issues with my rage, but this has been worse and much more intense these past few weeks.
finally jared couldn't take it anymore, me snapping at him all the time. raging, the constant anger. and him feeling as though he had to walk on egg shells around me. (i feel so terrible that he was feeling so awful!) we had it all come to a head last weekend. i was picking a fight again and jared just said "no. don't pick a fight with me, i don't want to fight right now." i first was furious, went silent and dropped him off at work without a word. didn't speak to him until the next evening when he came and said "ok, this is a problem, do you want to talk about it".
by this point i was so depressed and lost, not angry anymore. i started crying and blubbered for several hours about how worthless i was feeling and about feeling in myself, being aware of the anger and behavior i have had these past few weeks. totally aware of it, but couldn't do anything about it. everythihng was just coming out all wrong all the time. and each time it made me feel so awful.
well, finally i calmed down and we discussed that i need to acknowledge my anger problem. and i do.
together we went to the doctor's on the monday and explained the issue and what we had come to that weekend. i am now back on the zoloft, feeling much better already, and am going to go back to the jewish family services for therapy. jared also agreed to do some couples sessions.
i feel like i am able to step back and address things in a calmer tone, not snapping angrily for no reason. i don't feel so constantly pissy/pissed off. cause i'm not.
it's a huge relief.
sometimes even when i see how my moods are affecting me and the relationships i have, i need someone else to sit me down and talk to me about it. like i see it but as though i'm mesmerized by a trainwreck i can't seem to control it. that's it completely: it's out of control.
also i am excited that soon we'll be in NYC where i always feel grounded, in a weird way.
the icarus project has weekly group meetings, and i am excited to go there and meet other bi-polar artsy fucks like me! i don't really know anyone in real life that is bi-polar. i sorta know one person, and another i'm not sure if they are. i used to be friends with my jr/snr high school friend's brother is bi-polar, but we've been out of touch for 10 years.
when i come back home in july i'm going to seek out a group. there must be one. granted if i had a psychiatrist i'd probably know about one.
anyhow, life is looking up.
NYC is gonna rock!
i feel ok being back on meds.